To my Daddy

Daddy,

It has been a month and a half since you left us and I still miss you like crazy. I am reminded of you constantly. I see your pictures, I smell your clothes and I cry. You smell is fading from some of your clothes, probably because me and Mom smell them all the time. I guess it's a good thing you left your cologne sitting on the sink; we can respray the ones that need it. The clothes you wore the night before you died are sitting next to your bed, your hanky still poking out of one of the pockets- those clothes still smell of you not your cologne. That smell can't be replaced; I hope it sticks around for a while.

Cheyenne went to see Santa last week and she told him that she couldn't wait to see him at her house like last year. God, how that broke my heart Daddy. How on earth do I explain to her why Santa didn't show up this year? I get choked up just thinking about it. Colton is getting big Dad- we've been calling him "little Stan" since he's got your ears....and your appetite. I'm so sad he'll never know you. I'm sad for him.

Mom misses you like mad, she cries every night for you. I hope that you are up there watching over her. Wrap your arms around her at night...visit her in her sleep. She needs that. She feels left out since both Chris and I have dreamed of you. I know your busy up there but try to make time for your honey; she misses you bunches and it would make her day to dream of you.

John's been acting up again. I don't know, Daddy.....I'm tyring so hard to make this work but it's so hard when one person won't give. Right now, my memories from our wedding keep playing in my mind; our dance together was so cute- everyone said so. You kept hugging me and kissing me and crying and I kept yelling at you to stop it so I wouldn't start bawling and ruin my makeup. I'm sorry I yelled at you......I shouldn't have worried so much about my damn makeup......you thought I was beautiful even without it.

Thank you for loving me so much Daddy- I honestly think you're the only one who's ever loved me that much........I was your Princess, your Pumpkin, your Sweetie. God this sucks. Why can't you just come home? I wouldn't be mad Daddy, I'd be so happy. I'd wrap my arms around you so tightly and never let go. Well, I guess that's what they call "denial", Dad. I keep thinking your going to walk through the front door saying it was all a big mistake. I wish that were the case so that this nightmare can end. I truly don't think I've ever felt such pain. It's weird, Dad, because I know you're with me all the time, yet I feel so alone. Even in a room full of people I feel alone. Nobody understands....everyone just expects business as usual. It's hard to function but I do it for the kids...I'm glad I have them because otherwise I'd be in bed 24/7.....

Dad, I just want to thank you for being the Dad that you were. Thank you for making my childhood a great one and for being there for me always. I always felt so safe when you were here......you always took such good care of us. Thank you for being awesome to my kids- they were so lucky to have you as their "Gampy" Watch over them o.k.??????? Tell Dana, Grandma and Grandpa and uncle Phil I said "Hello" and give them angel hugs for me! I love you Daddy......I always will........

Trina

Sadness

It's been almost 4 weeks since my daddy died. I am still in shock. 4 weeks ago today, I sat next to him eating dinner. Who knew it would be our last meal together? I sat next to him, rubbing his arm telling him how much I loved him. He had a salad and when it came I asked if I could have one of his cucumbers. He looked me in the eyes and said "sure kiddo". Then, when my mom wasn't looking, he swiped one off of her plate and threw it on mine and said "shh........hurry up and eat it" It was a nice dinner. We laughed and joked and hugged and told each other how much we loved one another. Looking back, it's almose eerie....like we knew it would be our last meal together. I told John that I'd wished I had known it would've been the last time I saw him. He asked why? He said that I was happy that night, and that dad knew I loved him and it was a good night; that knowing would've made me sad and it wouldn't have been as joyus as it was. I guess I agree. It was a good dinner.

Things have been rough here. We are staying with my mom. We probably won't ever leave. Leaving would mean she would have to sell this house. We can't let that happen. But, it's rough.

Thanksgiving sucked. It was very hard to find things to be Thankful for in such a time.But, I did make it a point however to thank God that my daddy did not suffer and for the kids and the rest of my family. I think I cried the majority of the day. It will be like that for every holiday. He loved the holiday's. All of them. I miss how fun he made everything.

The fact that Christmas is coming is depressing. Not only is "Santa" not going to make his personal visit this year but money is so tight right now that I doubt I will be able to give the kids much. I want to vomit every time I see a Christmas commercial. Bah Humbug. I will put on my best face for the kids though, even if I am dying on the inside. It's only fair to them.

I've been dealing with major insomnia. I can't sleep at all. I'm exhausted but when I close my eyes, all I see is my daddy, lying in the hospital bed -already dead and lifeless. It hurts so much. I wish I could even go back to that day. He looked like himself. He felt like himself. Not like at the funeral home where he was so cold and hard and make-up-y feeling. Hell, at this point I'd take that. At least I got to hug him and kiss him. Now all I have is a box of ashes.....not as easy to wrap your arms around. I know he's with me always though. He'd never, ever leave me. But, that's of little comfort right now. It seems that the longer that goes by, the more it hurts. I've NEVER gone this long without talking to him.

Well, I've got to run. Thanks to everyone who has been there for me these last few weeks. Make sure that you kiss your loved ones every single day. Make sure they know how you feel about them; you just never know when the last time you'll see somebody is. I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

35 and 5

Well,
Tomorrow is my "baby's" 5th birthday. 5 years ago tonight, I was sent home from the hospital because my contractions had weakened. I remember coming home that night thinking it was a "false alarm" only to be awakened 2 hours after I went to bed because I was in excruciating pain! Oh, how time flies. My girl is now a bright, funny, cheerful 5 year old little girl. She's not an infant or toddler but a little girl! It's crazy to think that in less than 2 months she'll be in kindergarden. CRAZY!!!!!!

The boy should be here soon. I've been having some cramping during the day and I know he's nestled into my pelvic region. I highly, highly doubt that I will even make it to July. Even if I were to make it to July, I've only got 5 weeks left......WHAT??!!!!! Wow.......that is just crazy. In just 5 ( or less) short weeks...I'll be the mother of 2! I spent today washing the boy's clothes in dreft.....it's so strange how everything looks so tiny! I'm so used to my girlie girls "big" clothes that all those newborn outfits look like they could fit on one of her baby dolls!

Hubby has been doing well. He seems to be back on the straight and narrow again and is looking forward to meeting his son.

That's it for now. I've got to finish decorating for my "baby's" party tomorrow and I need to wrap her gifts. But, I can still hear her in there ( I know....she's just too darn excited to be turning 5) so, the gifts will probably have to wait til' the morning!

I'll try to be better about updating!

Kat

Bad Dream?

Have you ever felt that life was just a bad dream? That's where I'm at right now. I keep hoping that somebody will pinch me, kick me or punch me to wake me up. My husband is in big trouble. He has hit an emotional low and I'm afraid of where it is going. Several months ago, my hubby had the bright idea to start drinking again after 8+ years of sobriety. At the time, he claimed it was because he was "happy" and loving life. Little did he know that the reason he was so happy was because he was sober. I believe that he has hit his bottom and that he is back on the road to recovery. It has, however, caused a huge strain on our relationship. Because, alcohol was not the only thing my husband was abusing. And, I'd rather not say what exactly he was up to but let's just say it was not good. I'm hoping that the lies and deception can now stop.

I myself, at am a new low. I'm depressed about my husband's behavior and I'm afraid of what his slip off the wagon will do to him. We had an appointment with his shrink yesterday who said he thought it was time John get on some antidepressants because John is "in a bad spot". I've never seen my husband like this and I'm hoping that he will eventually come around to the idea of the antidepressants because he told the doctor to shove it yesterday (in not so many words). I know that this post is all over the place and I apologize, it's just that I can't seem to focus these days. My family life has been so horrible lately and I just don't know what will happen. I do know, that for the next few months I have to keep an eye on my husband and keep him away from social situations where drugs/alcohol might be around. No, I can't exactly keep him from drinking but I can help him keep his focus.

For now, my husband is in therapy once a week and in substance abuse meetings 3x's per week. Please say a little prayer for him that he can find his focus and his sobriety again. Also, please keep my and the kiddo in your prayers as well as this is a very difficult time for us.

If you have made it this far, thanks for reading! I will check in shortly!

Yes, I'm still alive

So much has changed since my last post. For starters, I am pregnant with number 2. It was very strange because it was the one month that I didn't "feel" pregnant and had to actually force myself to test. I'm due July 10th and so far all is well. I'm rather excited about the whole thing but being pregnant with #2 is very different from #1. I am so much more tired, I've been puking my brains out and I actually have HAIR growing on my belly! Blech!

I've also quit working- it was getting to be too much for me to handle with being sick all the time and with being so tired. Since John has insurance through his new company and is making more money, it made sense for me to stay home again instead of paying daycare and outrageous insurance premiums. SO far being at home has been O.K. except for the fact that I don't really leave my house. I mean, I leave to go to the grocery store and doctor's appointments but other than that I'm here. Basically, my anxiety disorder had gotten the best of me and I'd rather stay inside than venture out in the cold, snow ect. I don't like this but it will get better once the baby is born and I can get back on my medication.

We are registering my baby for Kindergarten. She will go Monday thru Friday for 3 1/2 hours each day. I contemplated putting her in full-time but decided against that. It would be nice to get to spend all day alone with just the baby but then my guilt got the better of me and I felt like I was trying to "get rid" of Cheyenne. So, she'll just go 1/2 day. BUT........let me just say that I never realized how expensive it will be for us to keep Cheyenne in Catholic school. Tuition will be $210 a month for a full year, uniforms will cost me about $200 a year, books another $100 per year (for Kindrgarten at least) not to mention their mandatory "fundraisers" and fieldtrips........ugh! Oh well....to me it is worth it to send her. I wouldn't send her anywhere else expecially considering we live in the crappiest school district in Illinois- I'll pay a pretty penny for her to get a good education!

O.K. hopefully I'll start being a little better about updating here- hope all my (2) readers are doing well!!!!


Kat

Opinions Please

Hey out there! I need your help. We have an issue that needs to be resolved and I'm looking for the opinions of my fellow bloggers to help make the desicion.

We are (obviously) trying for #2. BUT, if I were to get preggers this month the baby would be due on June 17th. I know some of you are thinking "what's so bad about June 17th?" The answer to that is: My birthday is June the 10th and Cheyenne's is the 5th and John's sister's is the 8th. June is pretty much filled up. I would feel sooooooo guilty if Cheyenne had to share her birthday with her brother/sister. I wouldn't care if the baby came on my birthday but the idea of having "combined" parties just doesn't seem fair to me.

On the other hand, I hate my job. By taking a month off it is prolonging the time I have to stay there (even if it is just by a month) and I am antsy to get pregnant again. Also, if for some reason I am having fertility issues they require you to have been TTC for a full year. I would hate to start from scratch where that is concerned. Also, I'm afraid that if I don't get preggo now, I will wind up quitting my job and have to quit TTC as well.

What do you all think? Should I just go for it and keep trying? Or should I just skip this month and start up again next cycle? Is it really *that* big of a deal having my kids have birthdays' in the same week/month?????

HELP PLEASE!!!!

Kat

What's going on!

Well,
It's been a while since I've updated so I thought I'd throw something together really quick.

Work is....well, it's going. I'm not too thrilled with it but it's good money and has good benefits so I'll stick it out for a while. I don't know that I'll continue to work there after we have our 2nd child, but we're playing that by ear.

I've enrolled in a couple college courses that will hopefully enable me to get a better paying job down the line. I'm not exactly up to par where software applications are concerned so my hope is to get a couple programs under my belt to see if that will increase my salary at all.

I have to have oral surgery on Tuesday. I'm scared beyond belief but I'm hoping that it will make me feel better in the long run. Apparently, my upper left wisdom tooth is impacted into the bone wich is causing the lymph nodes in my neck to swell up from time to time. Those of you who know me personally know that I had a scare last year around this time with my "nodes" and was baffled with the results of various tests coming back clear. The oral surgeon thinks that that darn wisdom tooth is the cause of not only the discomfort in my mouth, but also with the lymph nodes being inflamed and my sinus problems as well. The surgery is actually pretty invasive since he has to chip away jaw bone to get to the tooth but he says it'll be fine. I'm not being put out for it and that scares me just a bit.

I have a baby shower to go to for one of my good friends. She's having a baby girl and I'm thrilled for her and her boyfriend. It's about damn time that my friends are starting to "grow up" a bit. Last weekend my best friend from High School announced her engagement to her long time boyfriend. She and her fiance are having some issues about where and when to have the wedding so they are holding off on setting a date. She claims that it won't be for 2 years but her fiance is pushing for next September- we shall see. She said that she wanted to do it in Hawaii- I told her that if that were the case I would be unable to attend since I don't have a grand to spend on travel. Oh well........to each his own I suppose.

My 1 year wedding anniversary is in a couple weeks and due to the fact that I have to spend over $500 to have this tooth removed, John and I aren't going to be able to go away like we would have liked to. Instead, we'll keep it pretty low key. We'll probably wind up doing something simple, like dinner and a movie. Oh well....maybe a nice romantic road trip next year.

Well, that's all I have for now. Hope everyone is doing well!!!!!!!