Sadness
It's been almost 4 weeks since my daddy died. I am still in shock. 4 weeks ago today, I sat next to him eating dinner. Who knew it would be our last meal together? I sat next to him, rubbing his arm telling him how much I loved him. He had a salad and when it came I asked if I could have one of his cucumbers. He looked me in the eyes and said "sure kiddo". Then, when my mom wasn't looking, he swiped one off of her plate and threw it on mine and said "shh........hurry up and eat it" It was a nice dinner. We laughed and joked and hugged and told each other how much we loved one another. Looking back, it's almose eerie....like we knew it would be our last meal together. I told John that I'd wished I had known it would've been the last time I saw him. He asked why? He said that I was happy that night, and that dad knew I loved him and it was a good night; that knowing would've made me sad and it wouldn't have been as joyus as it was. I guess I agree. It was a good dinner.
Things have been rough here. We are staying with my mom. We probably won't ever leave. Leaving would mean she would have to sell this house. We can't let that happen. But, it's rough.
Thanksgiving sucked. It was very hard to find things to be Thankful for in such a time.But, I did make it a point however to thank God that my daddy did not suffer and for the kids and the rest of my family. I think I cried the majority of the day. It will be like that for every holiday. He loved the holiday's. All of them. I miss how fun he made everything.
The fact that Christmas is coming is depressing. Not only is "Santa" not going to make his personal visit this year but money is so tight right now that I doubt I will be able to give the kids much. I want to vomit every time I see a Christmas commercial. Bah Humbug. I will put on my best face for the kids though, even if I am dying on the inside. It's only fair to them.
I've been dealing with major insomnia. I can't sleep at all. I'm exhausted but when I close my eyes, all I see is my daddy, lying in the hospital bed -already dead and lifeless. It hurts so much. I wish I could even go back to that day. He looked like himself. He felt like himself. Not like at the funeral home where he was so cold and hard and make-up-y feeling. Hell, at this point I'd take that. At least I got to hug him and kiss him. Now all I have is a box of ashes.....not as easy to wrap your arms around. I know he's with me always though. He'd never, ever leave me. But, that's of little comfort right now. It seems that the longer that goes by, the more it hurts. I've NEVER gone this long without talking to him.
Well, I've got to run. Thanks to everyone who has been there for me these last few weeks. Make sure that you kiss your loved ones every single day. Make sure they know how you feel about them; you just never know when the last time you'll see somebody is. I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Things have been rough here. We are staying with my mom. We probably won't ever leave. Leaving would mean she would have to sell this house. We can't let that happen. But, it's rough.
Thanksgiving sucked. It was very hard to find things to be Thankful for in such a time.But, I did make it a point however to thank God that my daddy did not suffer and for the kids and the rest of my family. I think I cried the majority of the day. It will be like that for every holiday. He loved the holiday's. All of them. I miss how fun he made everything.
The fact that Christmas is coming is depressing. Not only is "Santa" not going to make his personal visit this year but money is so tight right now that I doubt I will be able to give the kids much. I want to vomit every time I see a Christmas commercial. Bah Humbug. I will put on my best face for the kids though, even if I am dying on the inside. It's only fair to them.
I've been dealing with major insomnia. I can't sleep at all. I'm exhausted but when I close my eyes, all I see is my daddy, lying in the hospital bed -already dead and lifeless. It hurts so much. I wish I could even go back to that day. He looked like himself. He felt like himself. Not like at the funeral home where he was so cold and hard and make-up-y feeling. Hell, at this point I'd take that. At least I got to hug him and kiss him. Now all I have is a box of ashes.....not as easy to wrap your arms around. I know he's with me always though. He'd never, ever leave me. But, that's of little comfort right now. It seems that the longer that goes by, the more it hurts. I've NEVER gone this long without talking to him.
Well, I've got to run. Thanks to everyone who has been there for me these last few weeks. Make sure that you kiss your loved ones every single day. Make sure they know how you feel about them; you just never know when the last time you'll see somebody is. I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
posted by Katrina @ 7:58 PM
1 Comments:
At 1:57 PM,
Sarah said…
Honey, I want to wrap my arms around you and hug you and console you. :( I can't do much - but I want to do something special for your kiddos. Let me buy them some stuff, and I won't take no for an answer. Hang in there, hun....the sun will shine again someday.
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