Mom's spot......

This is the diary of a 20-something mommy from Chicago. Sometimes this will be funny, sometimes sad, but it will always be real........feel free to post comments. Katrina

Friday, December 14, 2007

To my Daddy


It has been a month and a half since you left us and I still miss you like crazy. I am reminded of you constantly. I see your pictures, I smell your clothes and I cry. You smell is fading from some of your clothes, probably because me and Mom smell them all the time. I guess it's a good thing you left your cologne sitting on the sink; we can respray the ones that need it. The clothes you wore the night before you died are sitting next to your bed, your hanky still poking out of one of the pockets- those clothes still smell of you not your cologne. That smell can't be replaced; I hope it sticks around for a while.

Cheyenne went to see Santa last week and she told him that she couldn't wait to see him at her house like last year. God, how that broke my heart Daddy. How on earth do I explain to her why Santa didn't show up this year? I get choked up just thinking about it. Colton is getting big Dad- we've been calling him "little Stan" since he's got your ears....and your appetite. I'm so sad he'll never know you. I'm sad for him.

Mom misses you like mad, she cries every night for you. I hope that you are up there watching over her. Wrap your arms around her at night...visit her in her sleep. She needs that. She feels left out since both Chris and I have dreamed of you. I know your busy up there but try to make time for your honey; she misses you bunches and it would make her day to dream of you.

John's been acting up again. I don't know, Daddy.....I'm tyring so hard to make this work but it's so hard when one person won't give. Right now, my memories from our wedding keep playing in my mind; our dance together was so cute- everyone said so. You kept hugging me and kissing me and crying and I kept yelling at you to stop it so I wouldn't start bawling and ruin my makeup. I'm sorry I yelled at you......I shouldn't have worried so much about my damn thought I was beautiful even without it.

Thank you for loving me so much Daddy- I honestly think you're the only one who's ever loved me that much........I was your Princess, your Pumpkin, your Sweetie. God this sucks. Why can't you just come home? I wouldn't be mad Daddy, I'd be so happy. I'd wrap my arms around you so tightly and never let go. Well, I guess that's what they call "denial", Dad. I keep thinking your going to walk through the front door saying it was all a big mistake. I wish that were the case so that this nightmare can end. I truly don't think I've ever felt such pain. It's weird, Dad, because I know you're with me all the time, yet I feel so alone. Even in a room full of people I feel alone. Nobody understands....everyone just expects business as usual. It's hard to function but I do it for the kids...I'm glad I have them because otherwise I'd be in bed 24/7.....

Dad, I just want to thank you for being the Dad that you were. Thank you for making my childhood a great one and for being there for me always. I always felt so safe when you were always took such good care of us. Thank you for being awesome to my kids- they were so lucky to have you as their "Gampy" Watch over them o.k.??????? Tell Dana, Grandma and Grandpa and uncle Phil I said "Hello" and give them angel hugs for me! I love you Daddy......I always will........



  • At 2:44 PM, Blogger Proud Mommy of 3 said…

    Oh Kat! I'm so so sorry to hear about this! I'm crying right now after reading! I wish I were closer to help you out. I am here if you need an ear or anything. You and your family will be in my prayers! HUGS! I love ya girlie!


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