Household Duties 101

Men,

I figured I'd type this post out for you since some of you out there are a tad on the dumb side when it comes to women and housework. This is only intended as a guide and if any of you have a problem with what I am saying I'd prefer not to hear about it. That said, let's get a few things straight:

-Working a 40 hour per week does not make you immune to doing dishes, wiping baby asses, doing laundry or other various household duties. If this were the case every woman in America would have a full-time job outside of the home and nobody would have to clean. Also, do not come home and ask "what we did all day". This is insulting and if you'd like to know exactly what we do all day I'm sure there is someway we could type of an invoice and bill you for it.

-Turning your underwear inside out or wearing the same pair of socks for a month does not constitute doing laundry. There is an actual machine for that and you need to familiarize yourselves with it.

-Walking over a toy or other displaced item within a home does not make the item disappear. There also isn't a fairy who visits the house each night to pick these items up. Simply picking the item up and placing it in it's proper location in the home is a simple task that even a rhesus monkey can perform. If you are smart enough to figure out how to wiggle your way out of doing housework, you are smart enough to know where items belong. You did not just move into a new home ( and if you did I'm sure your female companion will let this rule slide for a while) so don't act as if you have no idea where the "Tickle me Elmo" belongs.

-There is a name for the little yellow dots that adorn the rim of the toilet seat. They are called Piss Spots and I have some specific instructions on how to rid your home of these. All you need to do is take a piece of toilet paper and rub the rim of the toilet in a circular motion. I know you are familiar with the circular motion; it's the same move you use when you rub our asses in bed each night. If you feel the need to move your arm in that fashion, clean up your piss stains. Us women would like to know why piss stains are present on our seats in the first place. You seem to have impecible aim when shooting a ball into a hoop or shooting an arrow at a target, yet you can not manage to aim a stream of piss into a hole that is less than 2 feet in front of you. I'm sure you can understand our confusion.

-Facial hair in the sink is not a decorative touch. It is gross and it needs to go. This one is an easy fix: Turn on the damn faucet and rinse hair into the drain. If you can take the time to remove the hair from your face, you can take the time to remove it from the sink that was probably just cleaned the day before.

-Sending us on a scavenger hunt for dirty laundry is not fun and it needs to stop. Again, an easy fix. When you remove your clothing at the end of the day place it into the basket that is designated for this. That way when we go to do your laundry we have it all in one place. If for some reason you think that you want us to play hide-n-seek throughout the day, leave boxes of jewelery sporatically placed throught the home. Finding a blue Tiffany's box under the couch is much more interesting than finding a dirty sock there.

- Rubbing our asses and tweaking our nipples does not constitute foreplay. If you feel the incessant need to touch us, rub our backs or massage our feet. We need it after a long day of cleaning up after you. If you prefer to have actual sex, re-read the above paragraphs and heed their instructions. With a little help from you, we probably won't have "headaches" or be "too tired" for some intimacy.

Well, men, I hope you have enjoyed your crash course in Household duties 101. If for any reason you do not understand something contained in this article, I suggest hiring your wife a maid. Thank you and enjoy your day.